Friday, November 26, 2010


The haunted look began even before she died. Ivana had one foot in the beyond for a long time.

Looking back, it seems obvious, but at the time, she just seemed a little tired and sad. It was nothing different from what we saw all the time. All our friends were moody. Who wouldn't be? If you don't eat enough and you work to exhaustion all the time and run from go see to go see not sure where your next work is coming from, you get stressed. It's not that hard to figure out. Gunther told me I shouldn't be so upset because I didn't see what was going on. He said I'm not a doctor. I know he's right. But it doesn't change anything. And I should have known.

Look at those pictures. I've never seen anybody so naked. So haunted. It's there in her eyes for anybody to see. That horrible look. It has to be death. What else could look like that?

Sunday, November 21, 2010


It seems like people expect a lot of sophistication out of girls who are barely out of high school. From working in a slaughterhouse to going to school in Paris and landing on a runway six weeks later is a pretty huge jump. Maybe they should try to give us some idea of what we should read or watch. Maybe they should make some kind of school for us where we could go and spend a little time each day learning more than just how to walk or pose. Maybe your body finds new poses from new words and ideas. Maybe things are connected in ways that we could understand if somebody tried to help us understand. Maybe that's asking too much. I don't really know.

At least Marcelle understands. She's read a lot of books and a lot of poems and she likes to think. Gunther too. He loves to think. Hanging out with him is probably like going to college. I guess sophistication takes time.


In the makeup chair again being handled by so many people. Sometimes, in the right mood, it all seems like a fun game of dress up. But Ivana isn't here. She's dead. She'll never be here. It seems impossible. Once or twice, might be able to pretend she's just not in this show. Pretend she's off on another runway somewhere and we'll meet up after for drinks and we'll laugh like always at how stupid and frustrating it gets. But....Instead, the rain is falling outside and a chill is in the air and there is nowhere that can be warm enough because Ivana is gone and she isn't coming back.

Saturday, November 6, 2010


So I came in and caught the guy masturbating to pictures of me! I mean, he had the real thing right there in his bed and he hardly ever touched me but there he was getting off looking at pictures.
Sick shit.
Definitely. So, I -- A guy comes over and tries to talk to Francesca and Anastasia.
Are you guys models?
Why do you ask?
Because you are fucking beautiful.
Anastasia smiles and then she slaps him.
Am I still beautiful?
Jay is taken aback but he tries to laugh it off. Maybe this is some kind of test. Still trying to be cool.
You like it rough, huh? I'm up for that.
Oh. You want to play? Great. Do you know how to play?
Francesca smiles and throws her drink in his face. Jay becomes very angry.
You fucking bitches. You're crazy. What's your major malfunction?
He is angry but he sees that many people are watching and he just decides to walk away.
Crazy cunts. He walks away.
Oh. Too bad. He doesn't think we're beautiful anymore.
Anastasia gives Francesca high five while Marcelle and Nicoleta just stare at them.
What's wrong with you two? Are you out of your fucking minds?
Anastasia just laughs insanely and downs her drink. Marcelle and Nicoleta look worried as Francesca and Anastasia laugh and drink together.